The Fire We Can’t Ignore

I was recently looking over the Scripture readings for an upcoming Sunday when something struck me. Both Jeremiah in the first reading (Jer 20:7-9) and Peter in the Gospel (Mt 16:21-27) seem to be saying the same thing:

This isn’t how I thought it would be.

Jeremiah has had enough. He has tried to do what God asked. He has spoken the words God gave him, and instead of gratitude or understanding, he has been met with ridicule and rejection.

Finally, in frustration, he cries out:

“You duped me, O Lord, and I let myself be duped.”

Those are not the words of a man calmly accepting God’s plan. They are the words of someone who has followed God faithfully and now wonders how following God became so difficult.

Then we meet Peter.

Jesus tells His disciples that He is going to Jerusalem, where He will suffer greatly and be killed. Peter immediately pushes back. No. This cannot be how the story goes.

Peter believes in Jesus. He loves Jesus. But this road makes no sense. His reaction is so strong that Jesus responds with words that must have stunned him:

“Get behind me, Satan!”

Jeremiah wants to stop walking the road. Peter wants Jesus to choose a different one. And I think many of us understand both reactions.

As I was reflecting on these readings, a comment arrived from one of my blog subscribers. She asked how Catholic women who feel called to leadership, or even to priesthood, live within what they experience as a patriarchal Church. 

Beneath these questions, I hear something deeper:

How do I remain faithful to a Church I love when I struggle with some of its teachings and structures?

I understand that struggle.

I look at women whose wisdom, holiness, education, leadership, and love for God are unmistakable, and I wonder what our Church might become if those gifts found fuller expression in its leadership. It can feel as though the Church is trying to shepherd the world with one hand tied behind its back.

And that brings me back to Jeremiah.

Jeremiah decides he is finished. He will no longer speak about God. He will no longer put himself through the pain that has come from answering God’s call.

But he discovers that he cannot walk away. God’s Word has become “like fire burning in my heart, imprisoned in my bones” (Jer 20:9). He tries to contain it, but he cannot.

Perhaps anyone who has loved the Church deeply, while also being disappointed, frustrated, or hurt by it, knows something of that fire.

We might think questioning means our faith is weakening. But sometimes we question precisely because we care so deeply. If the Church meant nothing to us, its struggles would not trouble us. Its failures would not hurt us. We could simply walk away.

But we cannot. The fire remains.

Peter’s struggle is a little different. He isn’t trying to leave. He simply doesn’t like the road Jesus has described.

No. There has to be another way.

How often do we say the same thing? This isn’t how it should be. This isn’t the Church I would build. This isn’t the road I would choose.

Jesus does not give Peter the answer he wants. He does not explain everything Peter cannot yet understand. He simply asks Peter to follow Him.

Perhaps that is where Jeremiah’s struggle, Peter’s struggle, and our own begin to converge.

Jeremiah teaches us that we can be frustrated with God and still belong to Him.

Peter teaches us that we can struggle with the road before us and still follow Christ.

Neither man is asked to pretend. Jeremiah does not hide his anger. Peter does not hide his objections. Their struggles become part of their relationship with God.

Ours can too.

I remain Catholic without having resolved every question I have about the Church. I love the Church and still wrestle with it. I speak honestly about the gifts of women and hope those gifts will find fuller expression in the Church’s life and leadership.

I hope for change while admitting that I do not know what that change will look like. And I keep following Christ even when the road before me is not the one I would have chosen.

Like Jeremiah and Peter:

We stay.

We question.

We pray.

We speak.

We listen.

And we keep following Christ.

Because sometimes faith is the fire that will not let us quit.

And sometimes faith is taking the next step on a road we never would have chosen.

If you found this read enriching, you may also enjoy: Struggling With God, Cornering God, and What's It Going To Take To Change The Church?