Deepest Desire

Bless me father, for I have binged.  I’ve spent the last three days in a hypnotic state, watching English crime drama for hours on end. I sometimes go there when the world gets to be too much for me, or for pure entertainment. But this time I disappeared into the English countryside because I was feeling conflicted, and I wasn’t sure why.

The fog cleared a bit this morning and I realized that I've been at sixes and sevens because I lost touch with my deepest desire.  I’m not referring to general human desires we all long for, like connection, love, belonging, health and happiness. I’m referring to the next level down, to the tailor-made desires that were imprinted on my soul. We all have them. As the Psalmist wrote: Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Ps 37)

I believe that the Spirit acts within us as a guide, using our deepest desires like road signs, pointing us toward growth and purpose. These deep desires manifest in different ways and can change throughout a person’s lifetime.

I find them easier to recognize in hindsight.  As I look back on my childhood and adolescence, my deepest desire at that time was to be a mother.  I considered the religious life for about 45 minutes in fourth grade, but the idea of not having children was inconceivable.

Later, as my children were growing up, I developed a deep desire to delve into the mystery of how religion and belief in God intersect with one another, which not only led me back to school and to working in the church, but to a profound appreciation of both belief and community.

Today there is a new desire tugging at me, but it is hard to pin down. It seems to center around surrender – letting go of ego, personal achievements, and to-do lists – and stepping into a quieter, more supportive role as a listener and encourager.

While this can be a very appealing notion, it also feels passive - as if I’ve been benched when I still aspire to be the MVP of the game. I am fully aware that this inner conflict is driven by my ego and a need for control. The truth is, listening and encouraging are far from passive; they demand presence, patience, and a unique form of active engagement, which makes for a tricky trust walk when you have a “ready, shoot, aim” personality like mine. It is why, instead of praying about this, I choose to spend hours solving crime in the Cotswold’s.

But I am reassured by something that the late Pope Francis said in one of his messages on the feast of the Epiphany. He spoke about the pilgrimage of the Magi going to Bethlehem and what

motivated them. He talked about their "spirit of healthy restlessness" being "born of desire." That is how God made us, he added, "brimming with desire, directed like the Magi, towards the stars."