Divine Mystery,
Just below the surface
of my day-to-day thoughts
and feelings,
I sometimes glimpse
a Leviathan,
a terrifying monster
that twists, and turns,
and coils itself
around my heart,
causing me to catch my breath
in abject fear.
I shake the magic eight ball,
and questions float to the surface.
Questions that are the sole property of
aging Baby Boomers:
How much longer do I have?
Will I be lucky or unlucky in health?
Will I be left alone?
Will I suffer before I die?
Will my mind forsake me?
(I’m already forgetting things)
When will the final shoe drop?
When the Leviathan surfaces
I begrudge the way it distracts me
from the glow of now.
And I will do whatever it takes to
coax it back under the surface;
to stop feeling all the
terrifying feelings
it evokes in me.
At these times I turn to:
You, for guidance
Gratitude, for perspective
Television, for distraction
Food, for comfort
Work or chores, for busyness.
Usually, before too long,
the Leviathan recedes
back into the depths,
leaving my
conscious awareness.
But I know it’s just
a matter of time before
it surfaces
once again and
pays me another visit.
There’s no growing out of
believing in this monster
as a child would.
Quite the opposite.
As I age, it only becomes
more and more real to me.
Then, this morning,
during yet another appearance,
reality shifted for me,
and it appears to have
changed everything.
It suddenly occurred to me
that the Leviathan
that keeps surfacing
despite all my efforts,
might actually be – You!
Divine Mystery,
Reaching out to me.
Reminding me of your closeness.
Supporting me.
Preparing me.
Accompanying me.
I began to wonder
what if,
instead of ignoring
these scary thoughts and fears
that keep surfacing,
what if
I welcomed them in.
Made them feel at home.
Listened to them.
Let them take the time they need.
Might that bring me some peace?
Might I learn what they have to teach me?
Divine Mystery,
Help me attune myself
to your sonar.
Help me welcome
your visits.
And through these
encounters with You,
help me learn to
better accept
my own aging
for the privilege
that it is,
and entrust
the future
to the future.
Help me recognize
the wisdom
my childhood,
my youth,
my young adulthood,
and my middle age
crafted within me.
In this penultimate
time of my life,
help me mine that wisdom
and offer it,
as best I can,
to our hungry world,
with a generous
and open
heart.
AMEN
